And then, there were three

I love to study people, as in humans and human behavior. In my undergraduate studies, it took me a while to land in the field of sociology, but I can say with certainty that I think like a sociologist. Thankfully, now as a seminarian, I think like a minister-sociologist. Psychology is intriguing, too, but what happens inside one person is only a fragment of the bigger picture. None of us behave in a way that is isolated or neutral regarding our relationships with other humans. We have our own thoughts and beliefs, but what we do is always invariably an interaction. As much as we might think that what we do can be done without affecting others, it is rarely true. (I only say “rarely” because I try to avoid any broad statements that include “always” or “never.”) Similarly, much of what we do is directly because of a relationship with another person or group of people. In general, our behavior is weaved into the lives of others in ways we can’t always see or else in ways we often deny.

As humans living in relationship, we have certain ways of dealing with relationships when they become tense or difficult. One of the prevalent tools we use is something referred to as “triangulation.” Triangulation is a systems-theory word that means, simply put, when things become tense between two people, one of them pulls in a third party to help stabilize his or her situation. In psychology and other anthropological studies, there are many, many variations of the triangles that we create in relationships. Google it – you will find more than you care to read!

So much of what I liked about sociology in college was that the concepts were things I had experienced and could understand – I just never knew there was a name for “it!” Even from my description of triangulation, I suspect you have made connections to the idea based on your own experiences. Picture this: On Saturday morning, Wife and Husband argue about housework and other shared responsibilities around the house. Husband leaves to work on a car project with a friend and Wife takes teenage Daughter to have lunch and then to do some shopping. Wife is upset and cries to Daughter about the morning’s events. Daughter consoles her mother (Wife) and is annoyed with her father (Husband) when he arrives at home later that day. (Triangulation.) Meanwhile, Husband has spoken with his Friend about his frustrations at home. This Friend offers to take him to a sporting event to which he has tickets that evening to get away from the worries he has at home. Friend pulls up to the house and honks the horn without coming inside to take the Husband out for the rest of the evening. (Triangulation.) The problem with triangulation is that, while both Husband and Wife received temporary comfort, the tension has not been eased within the primary relationship in the least. In fact, it is worse.

So, what do Christ-followers do with scenes like this? What can we learn from scriptures about ways to deal intimately with each other without creating so much drama? John 16-17 is really one of my favorite passages in the entire bible. In this passage, Jesus (God, the Son) is preparing his disciples for what is about to happen to him – specifically, his pending death and resurrection. (“Huh?!?” Can you imagine being one of the disciples at that moment?!) He speaks to them of an Advocate (God, the Holy Spirit) who can only come if he goes through with this thing and who will speak to them only what Jesus (God) instructs. And in chapter 17, Jesus prays to God the Father for his mission, his disciples, and for those who will believe because of their testimony (us!) I can’t think of a more intimate threesome – so much so that He is our one true God!

The concept of the Trinity is no small thing to understand. We may never fully get it. But we can read those two chapters and begin to wrestle with our own relationship patterns and lack of unity. Surely, from these two chapters, we can learn to reach toward our Holy God for stabilization and unity and to learn from Him exactly how “intimacy” is done correctly!

Finding My Way Back to Now

The concept of time fascinates me. I’m certainly no physicist, although I am a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Time as we understand it in the sense of being a phenomenon of earth and earthlings is a mystery. It makes me think of eternity and how the timeless interacts with the temporal. (What, for instance, is really happening when people see apparitions?) It leads me to wonder about the continuum of history, present, and future and what that means to the God of creation. I wish I could see even for a moment how our lives must look from His perspective. Eternity is mind-boggling. Yet, it is something to which we who were created in the image of God are connected.

Lately, I have found myself stuck in thoughts about the past and concerns about the future. In the process of grieving a very significant loss in my own life, I have temporarily lost the ability to be fully present. In my grieving, I have found myself tending to distort the past. My memories are very selective, but powerful enough to bring a sense of what was “real.” The disconnection between what was “real” and what is true now brings even more anxiety about the future. It is a terribly disjointed sense of time and eternity. Fortunately, God – Who is present now and Who was present then and Who will be present in all future – calls to my attention that my current perspective is neither accurate nor helpful.

I’ve never been one to wish to know the future. Actually, I believe if we knew what was in our future, we would likely be paralyzed by a fear of the challenges we would see. Surely that’s why Jesus said “Don’t be afraid” so often. When we encounter God, we are encountering eternity, which inevitably brings with it some knowledge of the future as well as a clear vision of the past and present.

The most exciting and only real thing we have is right now. It’s the only place we as humans can operate. In our “right now,” God calls us to be His representatives in the world. (I feel some preaching coming on, yes, but mostly to myself.) In our “right now,” God tells us not to fear, but to love Him and love our neighbors and love ourselves. God calls us into future work by speaking to us right now.

In this frame of mind, I am keenly aware of the present. In this frame of mind, I am listening and looking for what God is saying and showing. In this frame of mind, I see my story – the one that was, that is, and that is yet to be known – as part of a larger story that God authors. And it is in this frame of mind, that I begin to find a real sense of peace, right now.

Facing the Truth: An Excerpt from The Addict Magnet

You don’t need to look very far to find someone who struggles with addiction or is affected by addictive behavior within his or her family. I don’t necessarily mean smoking crack, either. Addictions are so varied – alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, shopping, gambling, porn, food abuse – but all are devastating in family relationships.

Several years ago, I wrote a book titled, “The Addict Magnet.” My experience in relationships with addicts and of being addicted myself to another person led me into a period of great learning, great transformation, and a new calling. Since my entry into Divinity School, I have spoken freely about my desire to minister to families who deal with addiction. As a sort of experiment, I’d like to share an excerpt – portions of Chapter 5 – from “The Addict Magnet.” Of course, the intended audience for this book is people who are what used to be labeled “codependent” personalities or else relationship addicts. Codependent isn’t always a favored term any more, but the behaviors are still predictable and recognizable. If any of these concepts resonate with you and if you feel inclined, please leave a comment. Peace, *Sandy

5 Facing the Truth

For those of us who have become experts at denial, one of the hardest things to do is to face and embrace the truth.

We may know the truth about our partner and what he or she may be doing but we adequately justify behavior that we do not condone or tell ourselves that it is not as bad as we are making it out to be. We may also know the truth about ourselves and never stand up for ourselves or say what we really think or feel. If you are ever to be able to find peace within yourself and stop yourself from compulsive behaviors that would attempt to regulate other people, then you must face and embrace the truth.
( … )

Facing and embracing truth also means being willing to confront those who would attempt to deceive you or deny the truth when you have evidence to the contrary. Along with that confrontation must come the willingness to watch that person walk away or leave altogether. Liars are never comfortable with being presented evidence of their deception and their most likely reactions will be flight and counter-accusations. Do not back down when you know the truth. Do not be deceived by someone who seeks not only to deceive you but who is also grossly deceived him- or her-self. Most of all, do not fall for your own deceptive denial. Those of us who tend to lie to ourselves are most vulnerable to the lies of others. We teach ourselves to believe what we want to believe rather than what is true. Others who see that tendency in us find it easy to lie to us knowing that we will believe the thing that makes the best outward presentation.

When standing up for truth leaves you in a position of being left alone, there is little to comfort you without an understanding of how God works. Without a strong personal spiritual life and without friends and family who also believe in God’s ability to transform us through difficult times, it is easy at this point to dismantle your newly constructed boundaries. It is easy because there is great pain associated with the separation from or loss of a spouse or mate. And we have learned that, in order to reduce or remove the pain of separation or rejection, we must tolerate whatever our partner dishes out in order to just keep them around. Our greatest fear may be alone-ness.
( … )

Do not collapse when threatened with abandonment. Stand firm. Stand with God and with those who love you. Use the time when you are left standing on truth or principle to focus on developing yourself in areas you have neglected. You, with or without your spouse or mate, have special gifts and talents that are to be used to connect you with others to the glory of the One who created you. Give of yourself in healthy ways to people or organizations that need a helping hand. Give to yourself the gift of acceptance and worth. This transformation in you will change all your relationships from this point forward.

The high cost of doing nothing

My cell phone number isn’t the easiest number to remember. The digits are about as random as they can be. I’m not sure what makes a number “good” for spamming, but apparently mine is pretty good. A couple of months ago, my bill was higher than normal, but I assumed I had either used too much data or too many airtime minutes. It was around the time of my daughter’s wedding, so the phone was certainly used more than normal during that month. Upon looking at the bill more closely, I saw the charge was for some sort of “Trivia Texting” that I had never ordered.

When the texts came in, I just ignored them, much like spam email. After receiving another spam text from a different source, I called customer service to request help in making sure I wasn’t billed fraudulently again. Turns out, to avoid the charges, I needed to do something: text a reply that stated simply “stop.”

I’m not sure where I learned the art of ignoring things that I wanted to go away, but I learned it at a young age and used it for most of my life. In my mind, it is counter-intuitive that something might end up costing me if I ignore it. In my experience, however, I have learned that the things we ignore can end up costing us … a lot. Perhaps it is a misguided interpretation of how to trust in and wait on God. Trusting in God shouldn’t imply doing nothing. Instead, trusting in God implies relying on Him to guide us in our decisions and moves. I can see in some instances of my life that my decision to ignore things was based more on fear that I would make a bad choice or face a challenge bigger than I could handle than on my belief that God would work it all out. My lack of action has many times been a sign of being paralyzed by fear instead of a motivation to stand in my faith.

Even now, I face a need to act on something I’d rather ignore. I know, however, that it won’t go away just because I don’t deal with it. Kind of like Trivia Texting, the charges will continue to accrue until I send the “stop” text. Are you afraid to do something you know you have to do? These moments really are tests of our faith. The presence of fear doesn’t necessarily mean we have little or no faith. Our faith activates when we DO what we know we should do even WHILE feeling afraid or unhappy about doing it.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13)

Afterglow

There is really nothing quite like being a sponsoring parent of a young couple’s wedding. When else is it possible to gather family, dearest friends and neighbors, and your most talented friends and acquaintances in one place at one time all for the collective purpose of celebrating love and hope in such a beautiful, uplifting atmosphere?

While the planning process is driven for the most part by choices and preferences of the engaged couple, it is also a time to consider those people in your wider community circle and to plan ways to say “thank you” to everyone who has loved and supported your child throughout life. It is a time for this well-dressed, well-wishing community to express their blessing and support of the new couple as they begin their life journey together and for the glamorized couple to express their gratitude for the support and love shown to them by these beloved people. It is a uniquely beautiful, joyful and powerful celebration. As a parent of either the bride or the groom, it is intensely rewarding to see your child loved and accepted not just by your immediate family, but by a much broader group – many of whom you will meet on the wedding day! This is a joy quite outside of the joy of knowing your child found a loving and wonderful mate with whom to share life and grow old.

I spent the majority of today scouring photos from friends and family who may have taken pictures of my daughter’s wedding yesterday. I was not able to take many pictures myself and it is difficult in this age of instant gratification to wait for the professional photos that were taken and are forthcoming. Today was spent in the afterglow of what we enjoyed yesterday and in gratitude and hopeful prayer for the future.

While it would be tempting to experience the day-after as the end of a long journey to possibly the most memorable event you’ve ever planned, it is, indeed, the very beginning. We intentionally strive toward a strong beginning rather than working so hard toward a desired end. This perspective, I think, is the most helpful and correct way to view these milestone events of our lives.

[Photo credits: Denise Smith and Eric Bullock]

A Mom’s Seven “Shares”

Mother’s Day is coming – good timing for a Mom blog – but that was not the inspiration for this post.
My oldest children are in the middle of different and very important life events. We’re talking big things here: college graduation, marriage, new baby… not in that order and not all in one place! Whatever I’ve done for/with/to those children in the way of training has mostly been accomplished. There is both comfort and anxiety in that knowledge.

I suspect parents do most of their “teaching” by example, whether we are aware of it or not. I’ve been a lecturing mom, for sure, but my children likely picked up more by watching than by listening to me lecture on and on. (Remember Charlie Brown’s teacher?)

There are times, though, when a mom feels that it is really necessary that her children hear what she wants to say to them. Mostly, we want them to learn from our mistakes so that they don’t make the same ones. We want them to have a smoother, straighter path to walk. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way. That’s when we have to trust that the same God who used our most exciting and challenging times to shape and develop us will use the high and low times our children and other loved ones experience to shape and develop them, too.

These are just a few observations that I hope I have shared clearly with my children. If not, here it goes in plain English:

1. People with the least to lose can be either the most generous people you will meet or the most dangerous. People who value other people over “things” are life-givers. People who value “things” over people don’t value themselves or you and will suck the life out of you. Learn to tell the difference and be a life-giver. You can’t change the other folks, so don’t try. Let God do it.

2. Your choices matter. Choose wisely in all things. Sometimes, though, things will come that you did not choose. Accept those things as opportunities to change and grow into the person God wants you to be. All things do somehow work together for good, but we have to receive the lesson and be willing to change.

3. God’s math is different from ours. Give generously and faithfully to God’s work in the world. You cannot out-give Him, ever. He is a source that never runs dry and His provision will amaze you and sustain you! Love God and love people with everything you’ve got.

4. Honesty is probably the most important element in any relationship – your relationship with God, with others and with yourself. God knows when you’re lying, and others soon know . . . and by the time you figure out you’ve been lying to yourself and everybody else, there will be a lot of cleaning up to do! After honesty, forgiveness is the next important thing. Forgive freely – and don’t forget to forgive yourself.

5. If your dog doesn’t like one of your friends, you should take note…

6. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That applies to everything, so use it in every context. And know that not everyone else will operate that way. Be willing to be different.

7. Time and space are two things that are always full, no matter how much you have. Always work toward having yours full of the things you want to be there.
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To all the Moms, peace and blessings to you. Yours is the hardest job on earth and we all know it!

Fleshing out flesh, saving my skin

Somehow, for most of my life, my identity as a Christian has seemed to negate my identity as a human. However the message came, I picked up that my flesh is sinful and to be hated so that my spirit can prosper and live eternally with God. Maybe that’s why I did so many self-destructive things as a young adult. Maybe I figured that my body was so detestable, that I should just abuse it and neglect it. Maybe that was why I didn’t care when I saw friends or loved ones abuse or neglect their bodies. This body, after all, will be replaced with a glorified body one day, following the resurrection steps of Jesus. So, it’s pretty useless in spiritual terms anyway, right?

Well, that isn’t so right. The first thing I had to sit with for a while – like, years – is the fact that Jesus did come to earth wearing flesh. Fully Divine and fully human – that’s what we believe, right? If flesh itself is so detestable, Jesus probably would have come up with another way to save us, so that he could avoid such contamination of his Divinity.

There are a lot of Gnostic Christians still walking around, I think, believing that bodies are bad and spirits are good. Think about this, though: Jesus came to us and for us . . . in a body. And beyond the miracle of the incarnation, our bodies are redeemed toward a future BODILY resurrection. As Barbara Brown Taylor says in her best-selling An Altar in the World, in the middle of pain or disease, most of us miss the fact that “our bodies remain God’s best way of getting to us.”

How can we reconcile our flesh, then, in spiritual terms? How can we seek holiness while wearing this fleshy dress without despising the dress? I suppose we can all start by recognizing the way Jesus lived in his skin. Having skin really is the most basic connection we have as humans. Flesh and bones, we are – all of us. And Jesus’ ministry was profoundly a ministry of restoring bodies that were, in various ways, broken. Jesus saw spiritual value in healing, loving, and restoring flesh. He redeemed it. He showed us how to transform.

As always, transformation is where I land. I am so grateful for the possibility and the process of transformation! So, as I continue to walk the earth in my bony, often dirty feet, and as I walk alongside my companions who also might have issues with dirt or disease or destructive habits or other intensely human traits, I am reminded that Jesus thinks wearing skin is a great way to change the world.

Hurts so good

My foot is killing me today. The reason is a tad embarrassing, only because of the mental images you might conjure. I found a pair of headphones last night, which coincided with the arrival of a $15 iTunes gift card . . . which led to music downloads . . . which then led to about 40 minutes of dancing around my room. I have to tell you, it felt soooooo good to dance. It was late. I danced. I sang. I was in another world for those 40 minutes, and it was simply wonderful.

It didn’t take long after I stopped to notice that my left foot was hurting. Honest to Pete, I don’t know how it happened. But, I did damage to my foot, with a bruise across the top as an indicator of some sort of sprain.

But, guess what? I was so happy when it happened, I don’t really care even now about the injury. It hurts, yes. But it happened while I was doing something I really loved and, if I had it to do over, I would probably do the exact same thing.

I can’t help but compare that sentiment to the process of bringing children into the world. If there wasn’t so much joy attached to the outcome, there would likely never be more than one child in any family. How else can you explain our willingness to endure childbirth more than once in a lifetime? (And for men, how else can you explain their willingness to endure the misery we inflict on them during pregnancy and labor?)

I spoke in a previous blog about how there is always an element of imperfection to our experiences of joy here on earth. But this is a different angle, I think. This connection between suffering and joy emphasizes the presence of love in both. Love empowers us to endure suffering.

As I think about that concept during this Lenten season and apply it to the suffering Jesus endured, I am utterly overwhelmed by the vastness of His love. I cannot speak because there is nothing to say. A beautiful combination of Divinity and humanity, Love and suffering, is the story of Jesus’ passion. The whole time, He had us in mind.

That kind of covenant-based love is not an easy concept for us to grasp. We don’t see the value in enduring hardship when there are so many other choices. Today, I remain in a state of gratitude for Christ’s covenantal love and the lesson I am afforded because of it.

In the middle of joy or sadness, my heart dances in His love, whether my feet can keep up or not!

Lenten reflections: ashes to ashes

I probably haven’t blogged long enough to re-post a previous entry, but I think this one is worth revisiting. Besides, in my attempt to give up working entirely for Lent this year, I figured a good place to start is with reposting previous articles rather than creating new ones.

Actually, since I have already engaged in all sorts of work today and it seems certain that there is no escape from it for the next 40 days, I will practice a new, daily spiritual discipline instead of fasting from anything this year. I pray that your Lenten journey will bring you closer to the presence of God, a greater commitment to your calling, and a refreshed love for God, self, and neighbors, *Sandy

Late winter-early spring was different before I knew about Lent. I think that my introduction to Lent may have actually been my introduction to spiritual disciplines in general. Before when I didn’t know about any spiritual disciplines – besides praying and reading my Bible, neither of which were accomplished with anything resembling “discipline” – I didn’t think about any of my indulgences. I’m talking about the way I spent my money, the things I chose to eat and drink, or how I chose to spend my time. I didn’t worry so much about how I could be a better neighbor or even a randomly-kind stranger.

Those things didn’t matter to me because I saw my faith in Jesus as something very personal. I didn’t see myself as part of a faith community. Frankly, I didn’t trust a lot of the people I went to church with. I learned not to trust church people when I was old enough to have a different social opinion from most of the ones I knew – because they turned on me in ways that I believed were unjustifiable for folks who claim to know Jesus. That sort of thing happens more than most people would like to acknowledge. I am grateful that God continued to pursue me, knowing how I felt about some of His other children and what I saw as their offenses and failures. Living life as an offended person is not a happy life.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…that’s what most of us heard who received the imposition of ashes on Wednesday of this week. It sounds so “funeralish”. [My spell-checker hates it when I make up words!] But that’s what it’s about for me now: death and renewal until we get to the resurrection. I’ve been reading some of Fred Craddock’s sermons for a project and in one of those sermons, Fred said that he didn’t understand how any Christian expected to be invited to the resurrection party if they never attended the funeral. During this season, we have the privilege – all of us, collectively – to experience again through spiritual disciplines the suffering that Jesus experienced, even to the gut-wrenching death, all for the sake of our reconciliation with God.

So, in light of that understanding, I am compelled – more happily than ever – to let die some of my indulgences and stinkin’ thinkin’ as the Holy Spirit reveals those things to me. One of the first things that had to go in order to get to this place was my misguided notion that I could follow Jesus in isolation. A faith that turns inward is no faith at all. It is when we reach out in faith to share something of ourselves with others that we encounter Jesus. He didn’t stay dead, remember? That is a deal-breaker for determining whether you’re a Christian or not. We talk and sing about His resurrection, but many of us live like Jesus just died. When you encounter the risen Savior, the only possible response is to be changed. Transformed! It’s easy to change personal habits, but I’m convinced that only encounters with Jesus can change our bad attitudes and misguided beliefs.

I carry the ash mark and a small piece of sackcloth with me through this Lenten season along with Christians around the world. It reminds me of Jesus’ ministry, death, and resurrection, the history of the Church, and my journey with Jesus as I meet so many friends on the path with me.

The thing is . . .

Well, the thing is, most of us don’t have just one “thing” any more.

This idea was triggered by a quote I read from D. L. Moody: “Give me a man who says, ‘This one thing I do’ and not,’These fifty things I dabble in.'” I might be one of the most hopeless cases of “these fifty things” in the land. I confess my own frustration with being such a multi-tasker – out loud. I suppose I could focus well into just one thing, but I like to do different things. Obviously. Or else I am the biggest ADHD person in my family and, to me, this is absolutely normal.

In the course of any hour of any day, my mind is juggling thoughts and work in my “day job”, my ministry, my school assignments, my daughter’s upcoming wedding and all that must be prepared for that special event, care plans for my youngest child, any and all of my mothering and household duties . . . Man, I feel frustrated just by writing that list! Is it even possible to have “this one thing I do”?! Perhaps it is my womanhood that answers, “No,” and explains why Moody said, “Give me a man . . .”

Surely women are used to wearing multiple hats, but I think our current environment has led all of us – men and women – into this jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none pattern of working. Technology is available to the masses and moves us at warp speed. Specialists find themselves in danger of losing jobs they have enjoyed for years, requiring new training and career paths or long periods of unemployment, or the resignation to accept under-employment. We feel an insane amount of pressure to keep up with the world and our own marketability.

Moody’s quote made me feel badly about myself for being so “one thing”-challenged, but I believe his key phrase is a reference to Paul’s letter to the Philippians, which, in context, really means something entirely different. In 3:13, Paul indicates “this one thing I do” as forgetting what is behind and focusing on what is ahead. It is a message to focus on our ministry-calling and where it leads.

Have you ever written your life’s mission statement before? I have tried it – once or twice – but I failed to keep it handy. I’m going to find my last statement and see how well it states my life mission as I perceive it now. Pondering and developing a personal mission statement will take some time and some real soul-searching. Having a statement will also lead to a need to spend time goal-setting based on the mission. Then, of course, there is the continuous work of turning away things that don’t fit the mission. The thing is, that “one thing” drives all my other things. So . . . this one thing I do!