Finding my feet

I may have put too much pressure on myself to break loose and have fun now that my next-to-last school semester is finished.

Rather than being pumped full of motivated energy and chomping at the bit to go out and discover new people and things, I’ve found myself itching to get home at the end of my workday and going to bed early, or at least on time.

Online retail therapy deserves an honorable mention in my current pattern of life. What can I say? I enjoy receiving packages of pretty things … that I can wear.

Part of me is still putting pieces together from things I’ve lost over the past year. I miss my little dog, Stuey, sometimes, especially when I see his picture on my screen saver. I don’t see my adult children as much since they both have grownup jobs now, along with grownup relationships and responsibilities. A lot of my friends are on a trip to Israel this week – a trip I planned to take, but decided against back in the Fall. I don’t regret the decision, but I still wish I could have been there.

I miss being married and having another adult personality around, too. (Especially my ex-husband’s exuberant personality.) That sense of missing out permeates all of my other senses. Frankly, I feel kind of lost without having an insane amount of work and all of my family to focus on in this season. But, I need to take an opportunity to deal with facts and feelings. A lot of my life was pruned away. I remind myself, and others in a similar circumstance, that pruning is just a way to prepare for the season of growth that is coming.

So, I’m feeling a bit less full-grown than I did before. I may look a little bare, or less green. But, I still feel richly blessed in the middle of all of my awkward or self-conscious days. I wonder about what might be around the corner for me and my little guy and pray for wisdom and clarity – for beauty, as we wait for all of our new growth to sprout and bloom.

findingfeetI’m finding my feet. And I’m buying new shoes in the meantime.